Mother arrested in New York for dropping the ‘F’ word in front of her kids?
I think the first time my daughter (and the rest of the hospital staff) actually heard that word was during that final push during her birth. It was a pretty tough long labor and as I remember it, it went something like this:
HUSBAND: Breathe honey…come on…you can do this….
ME: (eyeballs bulging) Hoo….Hooo….Hooooooo……..SHIT!!!!!
DOCTOR: Okay…. PUSH…..PUSH HARD…!!!!
ME: (being push up and forward so I could stare towards my now surely broken vagina) …Oh My God, get the fuck out! No really… get the. fuuuuuuck. out!
I guess I should be thankful they didn’t have surveillance camera’s in those rooms back then or they’d have been hauling my ass off to jail right off the delivery table!
Back in the day, you know, when I was younger, as many of you know, I was an actress!
In those days, we never thought about padding our resume with our ‘special abilities’!
One of mine was that I was a horse person.
I got called for an audition and upon arrival was asked if I could jump horses!
After the initial panic faded, all I could manage in the way of a reply was…
Umm…how tall are the horses?”
I decided to take the bar exam!
Now, which to start with…
…White or Red?
The difference between being young and being menopausal:
When you’re young, you’re tired of being bloody.
When you’re menopausal, you’re just bloody tired!
Try the veal….
A new doctor’s report states that …
“A WOMAN’S MENOPAUSE CAUSES AN INCREASED RATE OF FRACTURE’S IN MEN!”
There. I said it.
My doctor put me on a water pill, which makes you pee a lot, which does not fair well with the menopausal woman I’ve become.
I call Siri up this morning to explain my situation and then asked her where all the best bathrooms are in Los Angeles.
She did not answer.
I did however, hear her laughing hysterically in the background.
We’re breaking up!
I told my kids I wanted to have the perfect body before I hit 58.
My son, the ever thoughtful one, sent me a link to update my photoshop application as an early gift!
Went to Taco Bell recently and saw a robed man with a bible under his arm and a protest sign that said….
“You cannot change the direction of the wind!”
ME: Really? Give me half an hour. I’ll prove you wrong!”