I have A.D.D!!!
You know, Attention Deficit Disorder!
This is not something my brain wants to wrap around. Now don’t get me wrong here, I would love nothing more than to stop my wandering glob like orb from running like a race car without a kill switch.
Unfortunately, it seems my mind has a mind of its own.
I’ve tried all the tricks.
I’ve tried burning candles but that didn’t work out. You’re supposed to do this in a very quiet place so I picked my closet. Unfortunately the flame leapt suddenly and nearly caught some clothes on fire. All I got out of that experience was more panic.
I’ve listen to tapes but found myself dissecting and pooh-poohing the things they were trying to set deep into my brain. I guess deep down that makes me a mental conscientious objector.
Nope…my brain has a separate motor that wants to waste all of it’s gas all of the time.
I even tried yoga a once or twice but I had to quit after my health insurance company denied my last claim. Unfortunately the yoga instructor had to call the paramedics to rescue me. I’d gotten so tied up in a pretzel like position they had to use the jaws of life to get my legs untwined from around my neck. Who knew you could strangle your own damn self in the pursuit of peace?
Dog face down–my ass!
I guess because I’m a writer my brain is programed to think at all times, day or night, come rain or come shine. The shut off valve has either been hidden from me, or more likely, installed at birth by Toyota.
‘Focus’ is definitely not my strong point!
I’ll start out the day like any other ordinary person. Usually laundry’s the first order of the day because I can do this without waking any one up because that room is outside attached to my garage. I mean, what the hell else are you supposed to do at two or three in the morning when your brain refuses to lock down on the one thing you really want to do–write?
Thank-you mid-life insomnia!
I put the dirty clothes into the machine throw in some detergent and then as I shut the lid I notice there’s a chip in the paint on the wall. Before you know it I’ll have opened a can of paint, rustled through the cabinet where I keep my brushes, only to realize that I should clean out that cabinet so I can find things easier.
But then I notice an errant pack of seeds for marrigolds and realize that spring is just around the corner and these seeds should be in the ground by now. I don’t have much of a green thumb but every year I give it a shot.
When I go looking for my little shovel I see a bush that needs to be trimmed and head off to the last place I think I left the shears.
I catch sight of my car and realize how dirty it is and quickly go over to where my hose is so I can rinse it off.
That’s when I notice a few weeds that have popped up by the hose bib and that’s when I remember that it’s been leaking since the last time I used the hose. Some things just slip my mind as it races about randomly. Without missing a beat however, my last water and power bill flashes before my eyes and I realize this is why it was so high last month.
I return to the cabinet to get a wrench, but then I notice that the trash can is full and tomorrow’s garbage day. I take the can down to the end of my driveway and dump it in the bin.
That’s when I notice that the numbers, so carefully painted on the bins to keep my neighbors from ‘borrowing’ them, have faded to the point where they are unreadable so again, I return to the laundry room to get the paint and stencil that will return them to glory.
By this time the people who walk by my house early every morning are starting to drift by. I set the paint down on the ground and attach the stencil to the front of the bin when I see my neighbor out walking her dog. I go over to the fence and we chat for a while, and it’s then I remember I have to fix a hole in the fence where her dog wanders through onto my property.
I return to the cabinet and get some ties so I can reattach the extra fencing I’ve put in place to prevent this from happening when I notice that one of my vines has come loose from the trellis along the walkway. I stop and take one of the ties and fix the problem, and it’s then I discover the gardner has not fixed the sprinkler head like I’d ask him to.
Back to the cabinet I head once again because I can fix the GD sprinkler head myself. When I reach in to get the little bag of fix it parts the back of my hand grazes across something very sharp. That little light bulb goes off in my head and I realize that this is where the tree trimmer has been hiding all along.
I set the bag of sprinkler stuff on the washing machine for a moment and dig the saw out because I’d been meaning to cut this bothersome branch off the tree in front of my office window for a while now. It ruins my view and needs to go immediately.
On the way back to the front of the house my toe catches on the corner of one of the pavers on the path. Ouch! This will need to be fixed immediately. I kneel down and start to pry the stone out of its little resting place when I realize I will need a screwdriver and a little sand to finish the job. I set the saw down to one side and make the trip to the other side of the house where I keep all the big stuff hidden behind a wooden fence.
That’s when I realize there’s a few more errant weeds popping up around the fire pit. I’m going to have to spray these ones because the roots are buried deep down amid the rocks surrounding this gathering spot. Some kind of radar thingy clicks on inside my brain as it searches through possible storage spots for the weed killer. I hide this shit pretty good because I don’t want the kids or the dog messing with it. A few seconds later I remember that it’s upstairs on the top shelf in my bathroom. Of course I also realize that this spot no longer makes sense because my youngest is now six-foot-five! I sneak back into the house and move like a stealth fighter so no one will be the wiser as to my whereabouts.
Before I get to the front stairs I realize the dog is looking at me like “where’s my GD breakfast” and return to the kitchen to feed him.
I catch sight of a cookie sheet that the kids have left out of the cupboard and move to put it away but then I remember I promised to make them some cookies today. I go to the cupboard to get some cookie mix and it hits me that I will have to empty the dishwasher in order to get to the mixing bowl.
I put everything away and that’s when I see all the crap the kids left on the table after staying up too late. I set the mixing bowl down for a second and go to retrieve their dirty dishes.
I notice that there is a pile of crumbs on the floor that need to be cleaned up before the dog gets wind of them and return quickly to the kitchen to get the broom since it’s too early to turn on the vacuum. I sweep the crumbs into a little pile and decide to just finish the job and sweep the whole room.
When I go to dump the crumbs in the trash can I notice something has spilled down the front of the cabinet where the trash is kept. I run some warm water on the sponge and scrub the little spot away. As I stand back to inspect my work I notice that the light bulb above the sink is out. I go back out side to get the little step ladder because it’s the only way to reach the burnt out bulb.
Thats when I see the tree trimmer saw laying next to the path and get mad as I wonder who left the damn thing there. They knew I’d been searching for it.
As I bend to pick it up I am suddenly attacked by a small white fluffy dog and I hear my neighbor screaming for her precious AWOL pet. I remember immediately that I have not fixed the hole in the fence yet. I round up the puppy and hand him back over the fence when the sprinklers suddenly turn on and I see a fountain like stream of water spewing out of the broken sprinkler like Niagara Falls.
I rush back to the laundry room to get the new sprinkler head when suddenly the alarm on the dryer goes off and I remember it’s time to change the laundry over. I get the dry stuff out, stuff the wet clothes from the washer in, then take the dry clothes inside so I can fold them.
That’s when I hear my daughters alarm clock beep beeping and I realize , OMG, it’s 6 a.m. I need to get her up so she won’t be late for school. I do my morning ritual of screaming at her so she won’t be late, pack, her lunch, and then I go outside to start her car so it’s warmed up and ready to go.
That’s when I again notice how dirty my car is and………….