Notes To Self…


Dear Thing One and Thing Two,

Please accept my apologies for anything you may have overheard during that heated conversation I was having with myself the other day.

You know that I have these random ‘talks’ with myself so I don’t know why you were so shocked, and I don’t quite understand why you reacted so irrationally.  You should be used to that by now. I expected better of you!

I just wanted to remind you that it’s been a lot of fun hanging with you all these years. We have travelled, reveled, placated, and well, we’ve done a lot. I know at times it’s been tough and I know you hate those nasty exams but hey, it’s for your own good. I wish you wouldn’t complain so often because I’m only doing what I’m told to do to keep you healthy.

That being said, I have to say I was pretty mad at you for moving without telling me first, but I’m over that now. As a landlord I’ve never liked lease breakers but I’m willing to look the other way at least for the moment.

You’ve both been faithful friends throughout my life and I know you’ve had to bounce around a lot! My apologies! Had I known that this bothered you so much I may have found a way to be more uplifting. Even though your perkiness has slowly been diminishing over the past couple of years I can’t help thinking that you threw in the towel a little early in the game.

I will miss seeing you on a day to day basis.

Love,

Mom

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Dear Mom,

Thanks for the note.

We always love to hear you blather about how much you love us.

We too were sorry we had to vacate the premises but it was becoming, without a doubt, very obvious that moving south was our only option.

We have, and will always regard your chest as our first and favorite home, but here’s the deal.

We’re tired of always having to act as your frontmen. Yes we were able to get you into certain places because of our good looks, and yes we could always help you win over strangers by pointing out just how lovely you are, but the reality is, you’ve squeezed out about all your going to get from us without some kind of compensation.

Unfortunately, we also felt incredibly let down on occasion so we felt we had to take it upon ourselves to relocate to a friendlier, less obtrusive location.

Below is our list of complaints:

* We were tired of being gawked at over the years and never listened to.

* We were on many occasions forced to hold our breath because our clothes were too small, too tight, or both. (there were a few close calls when we thought the damage would be permanent)

* We grew weary of catching crumbs during mealtimes.

(You have no idea how harsh a little piece of granola can be when it’s hot and humid)

* We resent the fact that your exercise routine did not include us as much as we needed to be included, thus, it’s your own fault we were forced to join a swingers club.

(We are shy creatures and this is not fun!)

Rest assured we are happy, warm, and feel very secure in our new home.

So as not to add injury to insult please make sure you do not put anything sharp in the front pockets of your pants so we do not suffer any undue injuries.

Thank you,

Thing One and Thing Two.

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Dear T One and T Two,

I shall take into consideration all your stated grieviences however, since you no longer will be habitating the area between my face and my belly button, I have been forced to sign a new lease for your old location.

The new tenant, Ms Double Chin, will take up residence as soon as possible. This is a move that she has apparently been anticipating for some time now.

This will require some alterations that may affect you and should not add to your aggravation.

Think of her as a welcome guest.

To make Ms Chin feel safe and secure it will be necessary to add a third cup to all your currents togs. I will do my best to color coordinate all materials, keeping in mind that you love luxury.

See you around,

Mom

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Dear Mom,

We object to this intrusion!

Two’s company…three’s a crowd.

Fuck You!!

Don’t you ever listen to your own advice?

Please stop writing to us as we can no longer respond to your demands! This is a direct quote from T One by the way, who says she no longer wants to speak to you.

Ms Chin, to whom we have always looked up to, only adds insult to injury, especially now that she’s homing in on our old stomping grounds. We will try not to hold a grudge.

Remember we still have one other location to consider and will not hesitate to go there. As much as we would prefer to stay where we are, Sockville is still an option. We can make your life extremely uncomfortable so please consider carefully any further decisions that would force our hand.

T One and T Two

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To Whom It May Concern,

Do not threaten me!

Mom

PS: Do I have to remind you that it’s summer and I won’t be wearing socks very often.

If you don’t watch your step you could end up homeless!

How embarrassing that will be for you.

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