Dear Ms. Le. Bido…


…I know you’ve had a lot on your mind over the years but I wanted you to know that I miss you terribly.

O M F’ing G do I miss you!

Oh and yes, if you’re wondering, Mr. Dick Wad misses you as well!

I know that for a long time you’ve been down in the dumps and tossed around like a cheap salad because I’ve been so busy with my life, but I just don’t understand why you’re not responding to any of my e-mails or calls?

I don’t remember abusing you or misusing you in any way so I just don’t get it!

I’ve been searching for you non-stop these past few years.

I’ve looked under the couch hoping maybe you’d somehow accidentally slipped out that night I had one to many tequila’s and slept with my legs askew. That would have been an easy fix since I could have just slipped you back inside and no one would have been the wiser.

But no, you were nowhere to be found!

I’ve looked in the back of my closet and inside all my boots thinking maybe you felt you needed a break and quietly slid down my leg that day I had to stand in line at Costco.

I have a vague memory of a horrible itch that day. I seem to recall it was really hot and my panties were making me uncomfortable, but it would have been too embarrassing to scratch ‘down there’ in public. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable , so again I apologize if you felt neglected.

I’ve searched and searched endlessly!

Hell, I’ve even scoured my underwear drawer several times hoping that perhaps you just got stuck on one of my thongs but my search proved fruitless. You have simply vanished.

I recently put up posters hoping that someone would recognize you and bring you home safe and sound, but apparently posting pictures of our atrophied ‘Ms. Gina’ is against the law here.

I found this out the hard way after two uniformed officers showed up at my house informing me that in order for me to continue putting up these posters I would have to add a pair of underwear to the picture to cover Ms. Gina and I wasn’t sure, since you’ve been gone so long, which underwear you would recognize.

It’s been a tough road without you, and although it’s far more work these days to get my mojo on, I persevere.

I’m still holding out hope that one of these days we’ll cross paths again.

Until we meet again,

Mom

**********************************

Dear Mom,

Whaa, whaa, whaa!

Here’s the deal. You’re very needy. I had to make a stand. My biggest beef is that I felt over worked.

Sex, sex, and more sex! Whoo Hoo for you!

Jesus Christ!

You never gave me a break so I did what I had to do. I slipped out the back door during one of your, ahem, midnight silent killers.

I knew this would be the only way I could make a clean exit. Well actually, I guess it wasn’t exactly clean in that sense, but your hubby was so busy trying to get the pillow over his head I knew you wouldn’t even notice my abscence.

Just to let you know, I plan on coming back some day, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. I NEED MORE TIME. You’ve worked me hard for the last 35 years or so, I think I deserve some time off for good behavior.

I know you’ve been trying to lure me back and I’m appalled at the depths to which you can sink.

That Horney Goat Weed shit was child’s play. You actually thought you could drug me into returning?

By the way I’m currently in rehab THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

You’re such a fool.

If you were serious about trying to get me back you might want to step on the treadmill once in a while. I hear exercise really helps.

And while we’re on the subject, perhaps you’ll consider one less shot of tequila at night. This fucks with your brain as well as mine.


These are not threats but, I want you to take me seriously!

I know what you said to Thing One and Two and you just don’t scare me anymore.  One and Two still speak to me and they agree with the exercise thing.

Your’s truly,

Ms. Le. Bido

*****************************

Dearest Bashing Bido,

You suck!

Please do not rush back for my sake…bitch!

You should know better than to bite the hand that feeds you!

You know who.

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8 thoughts on “Dear Ms. Le. Bido…

  1. Duffy M said
    Do you know what just irritates the holy CRAP out of me? There’s a whole industry built around helping men achieve erections, plus newer pills that help them with any libido problems if they should need that – but there’s NOTHING to help we women with our libido problems we may have. THAT’S JUST SO DAMN WRONG. And it’s why I used to get so frustrated that I’d pound on my doctors’ desks and demand they do something.

    Duffy M

    They tried – they snuck me samples for the men’s products, but none of them helped. Given the fact that I’m not a man, it didn’t surprise me a whole lot. (snort) And then when I lost my ability to even enjoy sex (long story involving breast cancer, extremely atrophic vag tissue, and being told I can’t even use anything local for it now)…… When I lost that ability, too, followed by the other problems – that’s when we just gave up.

    But it still irritates me for other women who feel like I did 10 years ago – I was really angry that no drug companies seem to be concerned about women who used to have such strong sex drives, who miss that strong sex drive, and who want it BACK. (Wow, it felt good to get that rant out of me one more time, LOL.)

    Like

  2. nikotyme said to jbwritergirl

    Sure wish some of that hornyness I had so much of during menopause had spread itself out more even. I’d have something to fall back on now.

    I just could care less whether or not I have sex anymore. It’s readily available as it has been for the last 40 years, is it possible I just got tired of it? Even though when I do do it, I enjoy it immensely.

    Like

  3. Duffy M said to jbwritergirl

    If this is what insomnia does to you, OMG – you are SO funny!

    My bitch of an L. Bido started to fade away and then totally went the way of atrophic tissue, and then I lost my ability to…. um….. have my normal extremely happy response! (I worked hard to word that demurely, I hope I was successful.)

    Then my husband had to start taking a medicine that killed his M. L. Bido, so we just kind of said “Oh for crissakes, we give up.” But it’s sad and I still bitch at my doctors on a regular basis while pounding my fist threateningly on their desks. They have taken to laughing at me after 3-4 years now, which is just so not right.

    Like

  4. Carolyne said to jbwritergirl

    OMG!! you are sooo funny!! loved t1 and t2; now this!!

    I can SO relate!!! all my doc said when I complained, was “act as if”!! yeah, right! I have not been back to her. You’d think she would have had a better attitude anyway… when you are not even NEAR being in the mood, how do you act as if?? AAArrrrgg!!

    Thank God my hubby is very patient but im tired of feeling guilty… Maybe I need to try acupuncture after all!

    Like

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