Feng Shui-ing My Body…

… in order to have a better mental image of myself has been one bloody, difficult task.

Although no people or animals were hurt in the process of this time sensitive endeavor, several mirrors in my home were destroyed.

Three spontaneously combusted, the other two wouldn’t, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

When ‘FENG meets SHUI’ (this happens a lot if you walk too fast) you are in essence, supposed to be in tune with yourself.

Oh! Whatever!

Finding what that tune is when your mind is wandering through the abyss of menopause, is almost impossible!

For those of you who are tone deaf…


Tuning in means you’re supposedly supposed to be in a place where you’re in spiritual, emotional, and physical alignment, therefore, the need for reflection should only take place in one’s mind.

(Wish I’d realized this before I destroyed every reflective surface in my house! It’s rather hard to put your makeup on by memory.)

This tuning in crap, I mean-process, will likely put you in a bad mood because, what you’re about to discover is this.

Your brain has become this god-awful emotional dumping ground and you’re gonna have to buck up or shut up!

Spring cleaning is imminent and essential if you’re going to go down this road!


That’s one more chore! Just what we need, right?

In order to get the process going, you’re gonna need a vacuum with turbo power and a tiny hose attachment, organic spray cleaner, and a scrub brush to rid your mind of some of the more clingy shit.

If you’re still raising children, well, good luck with the clingy shit!

Worst case scenario-you’ll need a good mind altering medication prescribed from your, ahem,

‘medical marijuana doctor’.

So, that being said, let’s get down to the nitty gritty!

Many of us mid-lifers have acquired more Shui than Feng. You know what I mean. That’s when your ass has to catch up with the rest of your body whenever you’re moving. Wearing crystals on our body seems like an uncomfortable solution, but deep down, I feel like this could be the solution we’ve been looking for.

I’ve been searching the ends of the earth trying to find ‘said crystals’ that are flat and unobtrusive, because the last thing we need is more protrusions, right?

I’ve yet to be successful because so far, the ones I have found and tried to utilize, have these sharp little edges that make me itch. If you’re a Spanx lover, well, the annoying factor doubles.

That’s not the only problem either!

Because I’m more the fitted clothing kind of gal, these ‘said crystals’ also cause some pretty wacky protrusions that become very obvious under your clothing. If positioned incorrectly, you’ll have lumps and bumps (the exact opposite of what you’re trying to go for) in places that will make people give you odd glances.

I’ve tried putting them in obvious places in order to draw attention away from places I don’t want people gawking at, but this only irritated ‘thing one‘ and ‘thing two‘.

Maybe now that it’s winter, you know, sweater weather, this will finally work in my favor!

The Hubby’s a little freaked by this whole idea.

After running his hand down my back towards my butt the other day, he asked me why I was going to such extreme’s with this insanity?

“Honey, I’m trying to clean up my temple! I’m trying to draw good things to all parts of my body,” I say.

“I’ve got a good thing for your body right here in my pocket,” he says, hoping as always, that I’ll jump at the opportunity to allow him to help me in my quest for peace.

My idea of ‘having peace‘ is far different from his idea of ‘having a piece‘.

“Look. I need to figure out me Ba-Gua, my energy map,” I tell him. “I need to figure out how I can use my body to increase my income potential.”

Dead silence!

I look at him and he’s smiling.

“If you put all your energy into MY Ba-Gua for five minutes, I think I’ve got some cash in my wallet,” he says.


At first, I was insulted by hiscash for gash’ comment, but the more I thought about it, I realized he might have a point.

The ‘law of feng shui’ says that to attract more prosperity into your life, you should include Wood and Water. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recall one of my daughter’s old boyfriends who, when horny, used to tell her, I got wood! He’d see a cool car and he’d say, ‘man that gives me wood’.

I’d already done my research. I knew my personal element was fire.


Fire requires a lot of wood…


Maybe hubby’s not such a pig after all. Maybe he’s been doing his own research. Maybe he’s been looking through my notes. Maybe, just maybe, he’s about to get lucky. This could become one of those rare ‘win-win’ situations.

“Honey?” I say, looking him square in the eye.

“Yes?” he says.

I can still hear the tiniest amount of hope in his voice.

“Just how much cash do you have in your wallet?”