Stay At Home Moms…


…are the envy around the world. Oh yes they are alrighty!

You can bet your bottom dollar on that!

Every woman dreams of throwing in the towel, of forgoing the demands of deadlines, the clock in, the per diem lunch, the company of both male and female coworkers (who become their social life), the trips to lands both National or International while creating spellbinding deals for this or that, all paid for of course, on someone else’s dime.

Yes, these woman would gladly forgo their hefty pay checks and bonuses, the medical and dental benefits, the 401K’s, the paid vacations, the paid sick leave, the maternity leave, and whatever else falls under the leave benefits. They’d gladly pack in the business suit, the tummy tucking taupe/nude/ecru and special occasion black panty hose, the pumps and all the pomp  and pompousness, just so they too can spend their day lounging about in their stretchy little designer sweatsuits.

And let me tell you, there’s nothing like a huge, sloppy ‘Juicy’ , ‘Pink’ or ‘Tap This, Not That’ logo  splashing boldly across the ass of your freshly washed sweat pants. Personally, having hit menopause, I’ve altered all of mine. I think they’re cute…hubby disagrees! My favorite so far are the stretchy, velvety black ones with the logo, ‘CLOSED DUE TO GAS LEAK!’ A little bold but it does the trick.

Yeah, I must tell you that I dream about my days at home. Seriously! It’s bliss in a spray can, especially when you live by the motto, CAN do! Right on eh!

Sometimes early in the morning, while I’m still in my fuzzy housecoat, (yes, I’m talking early morning as in 3 am) I load up my pockets with a can of Pledge, Windex, rags and that fucking amazing Mr. Clean Miracle Eraser that can take the paint off right your car in one easy swipe. OH MY GOD! I bow to the inventors of this brilliant cleaning device.

I love to wrap my hands around that baby, especially a fresh new one right out of the box, because I know I, me, the stay-at-home Goddess I’ve become, am going to create incredible little cleanliness miracles all over the house. Oh yeah baby! This is like a Stay At Home Mom orgasm. Yes indeedy! Fingerprints…pfff! Missed shot-middle-of-the-night pee…no problem! Coca Cola sprayed on the ceiling…I got you bitch!

If only it could wipe out entire rooms? Now that could save me so much time, I might actually be able to do my nails once in a while!   Or I could sit down and read a book with my champagne and bon bon’s in my stretchy sweat pants!

Every night, right before I fall asleep, I try to conjure up juicy fantasy’s I run through the list of things I’ve got on tap for the following day, and I’m gonna let you in on a little secret here. It really helps if you put the most enjoyable task last because it may inspire your dreams. And who doesn’t love dreaming about clean, starched, neatly folded laundry, or seeking out that cute little shovel you bought with the intention of using it to hone your gardening skills, but  which you’ve recently discovered works equally as well for cleaning up the little chocolate blessings your dog has left for you in both the front, side and back yards.

And who can resist the sound of that freshly disinfected brush as it wipes away remanent’s from your slaved over dinner from the previous night. Oh, we stay at home mom’s live for the moment we see that Tony Curtis twinkle emanating from every toilet bowl in the house. You know, I even bought into that stupid, ridiculous, cleaning commercial where those little scrubbers that talk and wisk themselves around the toilet bowl. Well, let me tell you, it’s bullshit. I sat there for an hour the other waiting for them to appear after spraying the bowl, and nothing! Not one cute little brush appeared. I might have to sue someone over this.

 

 

…to be continued!