Men are so simple. Right before we left the house for my last comedy show, my husband suggested we have sex so it would calm my nerves and make me relax.
Guess who curled up in the back row of the club to have a nap while I was on stage?
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I was having such a bad mood swing the other day, the hubby suggested we take a nice long drive in the car. I had no idea how comfortable the trunk of my KIA was!
My husband will not read a book, but by God, he can recite verbatim, every article or published study on why sperm in a woman’s body is extremely good for her health.
HIM: Seriously, it says specifically that it makes you sleep better!
ME: Yeah, if you’re the sperm donor!
My libido is so dead, even if I can remember to masturbate, I have to set a timer otherwise I could be there all day!
Just read an article that said, “Women’s FitBit Reveals She’s Pregnant”.
What the hell?
The only thing my FitBit has ever revealed is that I’m a lazy bitch!
Holy crap! My body is so sore.
Ever since I read that article titled: THE BIGGER YOUR BUTT, THE SMARTER YOUR KIDS…..I’ve been doing squats and exercises to build up my flat ass in hopes that the effect can be retroactive!
Today is the anniversary of the ’94 earthquake here in Los Angeles.
I don’t worry about earthquakes anymore because I broke down and bought a Sleep-By-Numbers bed. I have it set at 4.4 all the way up to kiss your ass goodbye!
You can borrow socks from the floor in your daughter’s room anytime.
You cannot borrow socks from the floor in your son’s room until he has a girlfriend!