I’ve done so many kagels this week I’m now sporting a beard!
I’ll try anything to get my libido back. I took a CPR class last week so I could make my vagina come back to life. The only thing I got was whisker burn on the palm of my hand.
So, after reading how young ‘steaming your vagina’ makes you feel (according to Gwyneth Paltrow latest health kick), I decided to give it a shot.
Ladies, it’s all true!
My vagina feels at least twenty years younger, however, my back feel 80 years old.
Trying to squat over the kettle between the stove and the vent hood is not as easy as it fucking sounds!
Been married to the hubby for 35 years!
So, last night I crawl into bed.
Hubby says: “I think I’m in an oral phase right now!”
Well, if that doesn’t get a woman’s nipples hard, right?
I got all giddy, rolled over towards him, adjusted my ‘pajamas’, looked him straight in the eye and said: OH MY GOD…me too! So…………what do you want to talk about?
I made the mistake of wearing granny panties to bed the other night.
Hubby asked me what the fuck I was wearing.
I’m like….. it’s just panties.
He’s like No no no no….that’s not panties….that’s a toe tag!
Last night I was dining at my favorite restaurant when the strap holding up my dress broke!
The girls were loose and bare!
Someone called the cops on me!
I was charged with……Decent Exposure!
Some days you just want to win!
This morning I saw the Jehovah witness at my front door.
Today’s game was ‘Answer the door naked just to see who would say Jesus Christ first!’
I just read a post on Facebook that said
‘The Lord saves those whose spirits are crushed!’
Umm…Is 8 am too early to open wine?
I know, I know…
I’m going straight to hell!
California drought laws are so fucking rigid these days!
I just got a ticket from the Department of Water and Power for busting a sweat during a hot flash today!
Apparently my street is only eligible to water on Monday’s and Friday’s!
Mother arrested in New York for dropping the ‘F’ word in front of her kids?
I think the first time my daughter (and the rest of the hospital staff) actually heard that word was during that final push during her birth. It was a pretty tough long labor and as I remember it, it went something like this:
HUSBAND: Breathe honey…come on…you can do this….
ME: (eyeballs bulging) Hoo….Hooo….Hooooooo……..SHIT!!!!!
DOCTOR: Okay…. PUSH…..PUSH HARD…!!!!
ME: (being push up and forward so I could stare towards my now surely broken vagina) …Oh My God, get the fuck out! No really… get the. fuuuuuuck. out!
I guess I should be thankful they didn’t have surveillance camera’s in those rooms back then or they’d have been hauling my ass off to jail right off the delivery table!