#VAGINASTEAMING


So, after reading how young ‘steaming your vagina’ makes you feel (according to Gwyneth Paltrow latest health kick), I decided to give it a shot.
Ladies, it’s all true!
My vagina feels at least twenty years younger, however, my back feel 80 years old.
Trying to squat over the kettle between the stove and the vent hood is not as easy as it fucking sounds!

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Wording IS Everything…


Been married to the hubby for 35 years!

So, last night I crawl into bed.
Hubby says: “I think I’m in an oral phase right now!”
Well, if that doesn’t get a woman’s nipples hard, right?
I got all giddy, rolled over towards him, adjusted my ‘pajamas’, looked him straight in the eye and said: OH MY GOD…me too! So…………what do you want to talk about?

Psalms…


I just read a post on Facebook that said

‘The Lord saves those whose spirits are crushed!’

Umm…Is 8 am too early to open wine?

I know, I know…

I’m going straight to hell!
Pfft…!

Menopause VS Drought


California drought laws are so fucking rigid these days!

I just got a ticket from the Department of Water and Power for busting a sweat during a hot flash today!

Apparently my street is only eligible to water on Monday’s and Friday’s!

Mother Arrested for ‘F’ Bomb….Pfft!


Mother arrested in New York for dropping the ‘F’ word in front of her kids?
Seriously??

I think the first time my daughter (and the rest of the hospital staff) actually heard that word was during that final push during her birth. It was a pretty tough long labor and as I remember it, it went something like this:

HUSBAND: Breathe honey…come on…you can do this….
ME: (eyeballs bulging) Hoo….Hooo….Hooooooo……..SHIT!!!!!
DOCTOR: Okay…. PUSH…..PUSH HARD…!!!!
ME: (being push up and forward so I could stare towards my now surely broken vagina) …Oh My God, get the fuck out! No really… get the. fuuuuuuck. out!

I guess I should be thankful they didn’t have surveillance camera’s in those rooms back then or they’d have been hauling my ass off to jail right off the delivery table!