Thong Gone Wrong…

Today I will be thankful for this:

I still have three thongs whose elastic is not gone yet!

The reason this makes me happy is because I’m tired of explaining to perfect strangers that I am NOT wearing suspenders!

TRYING TO AVOID CARS…Book Release!

IN 5 DAYS BE PREPARED TO READ A STORY SO HEARTWARMING, YOU’LL PROBABLY GO OUT AND GET A DOG IF YOU DON’T HAVE ONE ALREADY!SCREENPLAY coming soon. Thank you Hollywood!

Available DECEMBER 1 on AMAZON (Paperback & Kindle)

BETA READER REVIEWS:

“OMG! This is one of the best books I’ve read so far!”

“I could not put this book down! I laughed, I cried. Can’t wait to read the sequel!”

“This book is cinematic all the way to the end!”

“Brown has really done it this time. If she were actually a dog, I’d adopt her without a second thought. Beau’s story really comes to life in this amazing book!”

“They way Brown writes is magical in this book. She puts you right there, right beside Beau as he takes the journey of a lifetime!”

“I can’t look at my dog anymore without wondering what’s he’s thinking when I talk to him! Crazy!”

“This is destined to be a New York Times Best Seller!”

Umm….

That awkward moment when you’re sitting on the toilet at Starbucks, where you’ve forgotten to lock the door, and when it opens unexpectedly…all you can think to say is: 

Hey Gurrrl, does this toilet seat make my ass look fat?

What A Boob I Am…

While visiting my mother in Canada last winter, it was so cold, I got arrested for accidentally keying her neighbor’s car with my nipples!

When the judge asked to see the weapon, I removed my shirt!

He sat there stone faced, then picked up the gavel, slammed it down on his bench and told me that all charges were dismissed!

ME: Thank you your Honor!

JUDGE: Not so fast young lady. I need to see you in  my chambers…immediately!

Makes sense to me…

Just read an article in the LA Times this morning that said…
Estrogen is crucial for women AND men…
Duh! Here’s why…
If I run out of Estrogen, hubby’s a dead man!
So yes, it is good for both!

Vet’s Day Fallout…

My poor dog Miles!

He’s shaking like a leaf and has now gone into hiding after hearing us talk about Vet’s day!

Friends Of Bill…Heads up…

When you’re in Canada, and you’re looking for a ‘meeting’, don’t forget, you have to search under….Eh Eh!

Only In LA…

A guy driving around in the parking lot at Starbucks just stopped me and asked if I needed any body work done.

ME: IF YOU’RE  A DOCTOR….THEN YES?

Funny Saves Another Life…

My son was at Subway getting a sandwich the other day when two gang members approached him.

He was wearing white pants and a red shirt (red being a significant gang color here in Los Angeles).

Gang Member:   Yo Bitch, who you affiliated with, huh?
Alex:   Umm…The Malibu Yacht Club.

They left the shop and could be heard laughing all the way down the street!

So glad my humor has rubbed off on him!

#livestoseeanotherday

PUTTING THE FLAW in CAMO…

I decided to go out trick or treating late last night.

I thought I had the best costume ever.

I wore that new super duper camoflauge stuff the army wears now.

Same thing happened over and over.

People opened the door then slammed it in my face before I could say a word! #canyouseemenowbitches