Sexual Napalm…


…is the latest catch phrase according to a new report.

Leave it to the Gen-X crowd to come up with that one. Obviously they have yet to be medicated, and secondly, they haven’t got a fucking clue about life yet.

Guys revealing their inner most desires when it comes to what turns them on is nothing new. Selfish bastards!

They say they like girls who go down on them because that doesn’t happen that often…

Excuse me while I puke?

Hello!

I call Bullshit on this one! Just ask the Hubby!

In my limited experience with dating, the first thing out of a guys mouth was definitely not my ‘gina’.

Maybe I missed the class in semaphore they offered in high school that said go here not there!

Another biggie that came to ‘light’ in this report is that guys like girls who like having sex with the lights on. Some said they’d like to do it under a spot light so they could see every inch of whom they were about to do.

AT MY AGE…

FUCK THAT!

Not only would this make me uncomfortable, I don’t know that I could suck my stomach in that long. My biggest complaint is that this ‘revelation time’ could add an extra hour to what should take under ten minutes.

Romantic Interlude under the SPOTLIGHT:

Me: “Are you done yet?”

Him: “I think you’re going to have to roll over one more time, I think I missed a spot. Can you move the light closer?”

I begrudgingly move the freaking light.

Me: “Why is this taking so long, are you fucking blind?”

Him: “I didn’t know it was going to take this long, okay?”

Me:“What are you saying?”

Him: “Ah…absolutely nothing!”

I begrudgingly roll over.

Him:Hmmmm…!”

Me: “What?”

Him: “Nothing!”

Me: “Then what was the hmmmm for?”

Him: “Do you want to walk in the morning?”

Me: “WHAT?……Why do you ask?”

Him: “I don’t know, just thought we could use some exercise.”

Me: “Bastard!”

Him: “What, I’m just sayin…”

Me: “I’ve got a suggestion too! Why don’t you just roll  yourself over and get some sleep.”

Him: “But?”

Me: “Nite, nite!”

Spotlight…my ass!

If hubby had to take that extra time to scan every part of me we’d probably end up not having sex.  With two kids still living at home our time’s limited to stolen moments so there will never be a spotlight in the bedroom. Besides that, I don’t want to always wonder whether this is another one of those obviously un-obvious fat checks?

At this juncture of my life the words ‘sexual napalm’ bring to mind my ever constant problem…my mid-life gas tank.

Now there’s sexual napalm I can relate to.

I’ve learned over the years to keep a spare pack of GasX in my bedside table in case I see that glint in hubby’s eyes. There’s a lot of things we let slide in our long time marriage but the passing of gas during a romantic interlude is not something we can let go. There has to be rules and this falls into the top ten.

This theory has been tested here and there, when on rare occasion we’d pull out ‘the book’ and try on a few Karma Sutra positions. Most of the time I’d just stare at the pictures completely dumbfounded. I’d sit there wondering whether, if even in my twenties I could ever accomplish some of these positions!

This is where you double up on the GasX!

I know last time we tried one of those convoluted twisted up, twirling, crazy ass positions it wasn’t exactly what I’d  call fun. Shortly after the paramedics left claiming that our dilemma did not constitute what they’d call an actual emergency…I put that book away.

If I want to look that ridiculous I’ll just dust off our Twister game so everyone can laugh their ass off!

I’ll tell you what sexual napalm is.

It’s when your guy takes out the garbage without you having to ask ten times. It’s when they don’t drop their clothes on the floor in their normal heap because they know you’ll go into  maid mode as soon as you get out of bed. It’s when they look at you ‘that’ way without you wondering if there’s something wrong with your hair/makeup/clothes/size. It’s when they see that little bit of cottage cheese hanging down at the bottom of your butt but they hold their tongue. It’s when they hold your hand when you least expect it. It’s when……………

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Dear Ms. Le. Bido…


…I know you’ve had a lot on your mind over the years but I wanted you to know that I miss you terribly.

O M F’ing G do I miss you!

Oh and yes, if you’re wondering, Mr. Dick Wad misses you as well!

I know that for a long time you’ve been down in the dumps and tossed around like a cheap salad because I’ve been so busy with my life, but I just don’t understand why you’re not responding to any of my e-mails or calls?

I don’t remember abusing you or misusing you in any way so I just don’t get it!

I’ve been searching for you non-stop these past few years.

I’ve looked under the couch hoping maybe you’d somehow accidentally slipped out that night I had one to many tequila’s and slept with my legs askew. That would have been an easy fix since I could have just slipped you back inside and no one would have been the wiser.

But no, you were nowhere to be found!

I’ve looked in the back of my closet and inside all my boots thinking maybe you felt you needed a break and quietly slid down my leg that day I had to stand in line at Costco.

I have a vague memory of a horrible itch that day. I seem to recall it was really hot and my panties were making me uncomfortable, but it would have been too embarrassing to scratch ‘down there’ in public. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable , so again I apologize if you felt neglected.

I’ve searched and searched endlessly!

Hell, I’ve even scoured my underwear drawer several times hoping that perhaps you just got stuck on one of my thongs but my search proved fruitless. You have simply vanished.

I recently put up posters hoping that someone would recognize you and bring you home safe and sound, but apparently posting pictures of our atrophied ‘Ms. Gina’ is against the law here.

I found this out the hard way after two uniformed officers showed up at my house informing me that in order for me to continue putting up these posters I would have to add a pair of underwear to the picture to cover Ms. Gina and I wasn’t sure, since you’ve been gone so long, which underwear you would recognize.

It’s been a tough road without you, and although it’s far more work these days to get my mojo on, I persevere.

I’m still holding out hope that one of these days we’ll cross paths again.

Until we meet again,

Mom

**********************************

Dear Mom,

Whaa, whaa, whaa!

Here’s the deal. You’re very needy. I had to make a stand. My biggest beef is that I felt over worked.

Sex, sex, and more sex! Whoo Hoo for you!

Jesus Christ!

You never gave me a break so I did what I had to do. I slipped out the back door during one of your, ahem, midnight silent killers.

I knew this would be the only way I could make a clean exit. Well actually, I guess it wasn’t exactly clean in that sense, but your hubby was so busy trying to get the pillow over his head I knew you wouldn’t even notice my abscence.

Just to let you know, I plan on coming back some day, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. I NEED MORE TIME. You’ve worked me hard for the last 35 years or so, I think I deserve some time off for good behavior.

I know you’ve been trying to lure me back and I’m appalled at the depths to which you can sink.

That Horney Goat Weed shit was child’s play. You actually thought you could drug me into returning?

By the way I’m currently in rehab THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

You’re such a fool.

If you were serious about trying to get me back you might want to step on the treadmill once in a while. I hear exercise really helps.

And while we’re on the subject, perhaps you’ll consider one less shot of tequila at night. This fucks with your brain as well as mine.


These are not threats but, I want you to take me seriously!

I know what you said to Thing One and Two and you just don’t scare me anymore.  One and Two still speak to me and they agree with the exercise thing.

Your’s truly,

Ms. Le. Bido

*****************************

Dearest Bashing Bido,

You suck!

Please do not rush back for my sake…bitch!

You should know better than to bite the hand that feeds you!

You know who.